


Drunken Missteps

by curiositykilled



Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Drinking, Exactly What It Says on the Tin, Gen, Steve is the voice of reason, ceasefire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-08
Updated: 2013-09-08
Packaged: 2017-12-26 00:49:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/959613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/curiositykilled/pseuds/curiositykilled
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In hindsight, Tony has a brain-to-mouth filter - it just kind of stops working when he's drunk.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Drunken Missteps

                It was a strange party, all in all. Four Avengers and Public Enemy No. 1 sitting in a bar getting wasted because that was the only thing that could outweird the fact that _Loki_ had just saved the Avengers – and Paris – from utter destruction at the hands of some giant rage monkeys (Tony had been working on a better name for them, but Clint had summed it up pretty damn well) by turning them into flowers. If Tony hadn’t already asked Thor if his brother’s problem was that he had secretly been Thor’s _sister_ all his – _her?_ – life, he was going to, and soon.

“This isn’t fair,” Tony whined, “I mean, I figured _Thor_ would be able to outdrink us – thunder god and all – but _Loki?_ You’re like a _kid_.”

                Spinning the bottle between his fingertips, Loki snorted derisively.

                “I can outdrink Thor,” he corrected haughtily.

                Clint scowled, Tony perked up and Steve inched dangerously close to a lecture.

                “How?” Tony demanded.

                “Tony, I don’t th-” Steve started.

                “Shush. Slim Shady’s gotta’ explain,” Tony declared in his best attempt at authoritativeness.

                “…Slim Shady?” Clint echoed, staring at the billionaire.

                “What?” Tony demanded.

                “Slim. Shady. He’s a rapper’s fucking alter ego,” the archer protested.

                “And?”

                “You hardly spare a thought when he references reindeer despite the lack of _any_ antlers on my attire,” Loki pointed out.

                “Well, yeah,” Clint agreed before pausing, “What _is_ your helmet, anyway?”

                Loki stiffened and Thor grinned in a way that seemed entirely too mischievous to belong to the elder god.

                “That is none of your concern,” the trickster hissed, a warning unheeded in his low voice.

                “It is an excellent tale,” Thor chortled merrily.

                “Thor, _no_ ,” Loki snapped.

                “Wait, you’re going to answer him but not _me? I_ asked _first_ ,” Tony complained.

                “Tony, you need to stop drinking. You’re being rude,” Steve sighed tiredly.

                “Magic,” Loki pitched in abruptly.

                “Uh?” Clint and Tony both managed at the same time before Tony’s shoulders slumped in irritation, “Don’t just say it’s some fucking magic trick. I have had it up to _here_ with magic. And for chrissake, why _flowers?_ ”

                “Magic requires far more energy than just a physical body,” Loki answered slowly before a light of understanding danced over his features, “Oh. Money would have caused violence, bread could potentially injure someone and water would have been worthless. The flowers were at least handsome.”

                Clint blinked owlishly.

                “…you thought about all of that?” Steve finally queried.

                Loki shrugged with an elegant roll of his shoulder.

                “I like Paris,” he answered simply.

                “So you aren’t a girl. You’re just a shit villain,” Tony commented bluntly, “So, you have a freakishly high metabolism – as compared to _Thor’s_ metabolism, which is nearly double that of Steve’s, which is about that of a normal human’s. Of course, _that_ makes sense.”

                The sorcerer had stiffened at the first sentence, defensive guards coming down over his venom green eyes and in the tightness of his sharp jaw. _Oops_ , Tony thought belatedly. Perhaps insulting a supervillain while they were on good terms with you was not the best plan of action.

                “I would hate to grow predictable,” Loki answered coolly.

                “Of course – god of Chaos, right? Are you even a god anymore?” Tony started, “I mean, you’ve pretty solidly fucked that up, haven’t you? Can gods be demoted? You aren’t a prince or whatever – right? Adop-”

                “Tony. We are leaving,” Steve growled, his hand closing hard over the smaller man’s shoulder and collarbone.

                Loki’s face had smoothed into mild interest and mostly apathy during Tony’s rant, but Thor’s jaw had hardened into an angry clench Tony had only seen once before, and the sky outside was rapidly darkening. For once, the billionaire let himself be led away – not that he really had a choice.

                Later, when he was once again locked into his workshop with a little Ozzy blaring to clear his mind, Tony was startled to glance up and see a much-calmer god of thunder standing before him. _What the hell – if he broke the fucking doo-_ but the door was very much intact, as well as the wall. _Weird._

                “I would have words with you, Stark,” Thor declared in a low rumble that instantly made Tony wary.

                “Uh-huh, right away,” he agreed, muting the music.

                “My brother is not a man to be trifled with,” Thor started.

                “Yeah, kinda’ noticed,” Tony snorted – like the first few times Loki’d caused mayhem hadn’t made _that_ clear.

                “I mean it, Stark. Loki wields incomprehensible power, and he is of a chaotic nature that would see it loosed upon your world with the merest suggestion. He is a god and prince of Asgard – those titles never will be or can be stripped from him – and as such, you owe him the same respect paid towards me. I do not ask you to attempt any affection for him or even a lack of dislike – that is not your due. It is, however, your obligation to protect this realm, and as such, taunting a powerful adversary is of the utmost irresponsibility. Bear in mind that destroying your realm would be little more than a fleeting thought for Loki,” the god continued in the same low, warning tone.

                Tony rubbed his neck and cocked his head to study Thor. He could act like the biggest, most lovable puppy one moment and then suddenly, he was all solemnity and wisdom. It was little wonder that Fury focused so much of his time on Thor when the god was of so unreadable a nature. The rest of them, at least, were pretty steady in their evasion tactics: Clint and Natasha were mostly aloof spies, though Clint occasionally broke down into a more friendly manner; Bruce was skittish and brilliant; Steve was too flawless and compassionate. Tony – well, Tony was their resident asshole.

                “Okay, I get it. Don’t piss off the super powerful evil wizard,” he agreed, “Any suggestions on what to avoid?”

                Thor paused, clearly taking the query seriously.

                “Most of what was mentioned today,” he mused before clarifying, “Femininity, his seidr, his place among the ás, and above all, his heritage.”

                “Okay, get the last two. Feminity? Is Asgard really _that_ homophobic?” Tony demanded.

                For a moment, the god looked genuinely abashed and a faint flush flitted to his cheeks. Not for the first time, Tony had to wonder what the Allspeak had translated his words to; Thor had mentioned, once, that it wasn’t always perfect and often left strange accents or slight misunderstandings. ( _Lord of the Rings_ had been declared a no-go the moment they discovered that the elves’ accent was somewhere along the lines of a Vietnamese-faux Irish cross)

                “I know not of that word, but Loki often was considered… _argr –_ unmanly – because of his seidr and use of tricks. It is not considered proper for a prince to prefer studying or magic to war,” he explained, shame creeping into his voice.

                Tony stared.

                “So, because he wasn’t a warmonger, everyone called him a girl. Did you?” he repeated.

                Thor’s shamefaced expression and downcast eyes were generally answer enough; though, admittedly, Tony held judgment until he found out whether Thor really had been a total douche to his brother, or if he simply felt guilty because it had happened.

                “More than I should have,” the god admitted.

                “Hey, it’s okay,” Tony soothed, alarmed by the crestfallen expression Thor was sporting, “That can’t have been the only thing to send him over the edge. I mean, he’s got to have had a little more incentive.”

                Thor nodded slightly, though his expression was still cloudy.

                “Aye, I imagine you to be correct,” he agreed before clearing his face with a brilliant smile, “I will let you return to your work, Anthony. You will have to join the rest of our shieldbrethren in dining tonight; Lady Natasha has promised a most peculiar fowl of turkey, duck and chicken.”

                Like he said: millennia-old god one moment, golden retriever puppy the next.

                “Yeah, yeah; I’ll be up for dinner,” Tony yawned, waving the god away.


End file.
